Last night was an exercise in the futility of hope. Hope that I was going to be alright. That I had moved on and compartmentalized my feelings for her effectively enough to deal with being around her.

I was wrong.

She was so beautiful. More beautiful than I even remembered. And as I watched her glide from table to table in that bold red dress, her blond curls bobbing to and fro framing her blue eyes and bright smile so perfectly, it hit me like a truck: I wasn't over her.

Now one can sit there and argue with me the point that she never had her heart in the relationship, and that yes, that was the reason I talked to her about ending it. But that still doesn't erase the reasons why I 'chased' her for three years. I was stupid to believe that I could just erase those things from memory. It worked until I saw her I suppose.

I was fine really, when I thought that the breakup was mutual. That we were both losing something. Perhaps that is selfishness on my part, but when I came to the realization that she was never really invested in 'us'... God, that crushed me.

Anyone around me last evening probably assumed I was sick by the look on my face, lol. In fact I did feel a knot in my stomach, although it wasn't from the lasagna. (Which they didn't have enough of for me to get by the way, but I digress...) There were questions racing through my head at a mile a minute. Why did I end it so quick? If I had waited longer, perhaps it would have worked out? Could it still work out? She's almost done with school, what about then? She's sitting next to me, is she feeling anything? Did I just make the worst decision of my life? *sigh*

That dance with her though, yeah... That was the nail in the coffin. To have her so close and yet be so so far away. That's why I left so early. Halfway home I wanted to turn around burst into that reception hall and just tell her everything, like in the movies. But I knew it wouldn't work. Life is rarely like the movies...

Will I work through it? I'm sure I will eventually. Can we be friends? I certainly think so in time. That's the very reason I didn't want to date her in the first place. We make such great friends. Was it worth the two hour drive there and back? Yes.

The irony of it all was that I didn't want to hurt her. I was hedging my bets and always leaving an out for myself, not realizing that at the end of everything... I never wanted to leave.